Disneyland!! Get ready for picture overload!

Well we are back and like every vacation ours just wasn't long enough! We had a amazing time! By far our best vacation we have ever taken. The kids loved the plane ride (their first). The Capt. invited Hannah and Jerimiah into the cockpit and let them sit in his and his co-capt chair. He spent at least 10 minutes talking to them and showing them what everything did. Needless to say we landed about 15 minutes after we were scheduled to lol.

When we got to our hotel we were in awe. We stay at the Hyatt Regency in a kids suite. It was beautiful!! Our room was huge!! Also an added bonus was we had a two restaurants and even a Starbucks in our lobby!!
We headed to Disneyland and had an amazing time. We went to three character breakfasts. They were a hundred dollars each but were so worth it. The kids got to meet every possible character and we got amazing food with it. I would suggest doing at least one to anyone that is going, and if you have to pick one Goofy's Kitchen is by far the best!

We had dinner at the Blue Bayou which was way over rated. Ben and I split a meal, the kids didn't eat just had a drink each and our total was 83! We weren't very happy about it but at least we can say we ate at the restaurant inside Pirates lol
We were lucky that it wasn't very crowded, spring break is in a few weeks and I am sure that it will be insanely crowded. Over the five days we went on almost every ride at Disneyland and many at California Adventures. My 6 year old was so brave and went on the Hollywood Tower of Terror. If you are not familiar with this ride you sit in a elevator and are lifted up and dropped many many feet. It was so terrifying to me that when we got off I had trouble taking a picture because I was shaking so bad. Seriously this was the scariest things I have ever willing done.

Hannah was able to meet all the Princesses, this was a huge moment for her! She was so excited she was shaking! She is at the age that she still believes that they really are Princesses. It made my heart melt to watch her with them. Here is a few pictures.

We had such an amazing time. We were able to see our children so excited and in awe of everything. I realized even more how fast time flies and I am so glad we were able to do this with them. I cannot wait to go back! We did so many things that it would be impossible to write about all of it. One thing I do suggest to anyone that is planning a trip is make sure you see the World of Color show, it was the most amazing thing I have ever seen!

And we are off!!!

I have just finished packing and getting every thing together for our early flight. I took a Xanax so I am feeling sleepy and relaxed. Good thing I have a few more because I do not fly well.
I am trying to stay focused on the goal: having a great time with my family! Seeing the joy in my babies faces! We just sat them down and told them. How cute are they?! (Sorry I cant figure out how to flip it around)



We have a lot planned. We are staying in the beautiful Hyatt Regency. We reserved a kids suite so that we have enough room to be comfortable. Tomorrow we will land, go to Rainforest Cafe and then to the hotel. The next five days we will be eating breakfast with Mickey and lunch with all the Princesses and we are going to see the new World Of Color show.

Well its off to bed for a few hours. I'll write all about our trip when we get home

Are you a lazy parent?

I have been thinking a lot about the different types of parently lately thanks for my anthropology class. It is interesting to see how parents around the world parent so different or sometimes similar. My opinion about how many America parents raise their children is less then mediocre. My grandmother talks about how when she was growing up they had to work for everything that had. They were not handed things, which made them appreciate it that much more. The lesson, hard work pays off. Dedication and commitment are something to be valued.

So I wonder where we lost this lesson, why most parents do not teach it any longer. I am SURROUNDED by over indulged, disrespectful children. Now I know that there is the typical teenage attitude but the ones that I see are taking it to a whole new level. They do not have a job but drive a nice car, they do not do well in school but carry Coach purses around. They have never paid a part of their insurance, gas or cell phone bill. They get upset when they are not handed money for nothing.

This bothers me, these teenagers bother me but what bothers me the most is their parents. My children have a lot of things but they also have more respect then the average 16 year old. They work for the things that they want. My son is 6 and already has chores, he is proud so himself when he gets his allowance after a week of doing all his chores. My little girl knows that her room must be kept clean or she doesn't get her allowance. She also helps out with the laundry. These things to me are not remarkable, I do not have children that are any different than any other child, it is our parenting. We expect things for our children, we will not indulge them throughout their life.

It seems that I am the odd man out many times when it comes to parenting in my family. I know deep down that everyone is my family wants all the children to succeed but it seems like no one is willing to take any action. It is easier for them I suppose to keep their mouth shut so that the children don't hate them.

I am one of those who could care less if they hate me. My job as a mother, aunt and friend is to help ensure that they will become productive, successful, appreciative, compassionate young adults. I feel like most people are not willing to put the work in anymore. To me that is failing your child. They need to direction, discipline and need to learn important life lessons. Instead of being a drain on society then need to learn to do something positive with themselves.

It is heart breaking to me to see all these children that have no idea what life is about. They have no idea what hard work is, oh so sad! My babies are my everything and I will do everything in my power to make sure that they are prepared the best they can be for the world. I refuse to have children that only a mother can love. I will continue to parent differently when it comes to raising my children because I know that I am doing what it best for them. My children know that I love them but they also know that we have expectations for them and that they have to show respect in everything they do.

I hope parents start taking parenting more seriously, these are people that you are sending out into the world. We as a society cannot afford to have anymore sponges. When you say no, mean it! Do not teach your child that if they hound you, you will give in. This is teaching them to manipulate people (not a good quality). Set some standard and expectations for your child, just passing school is not a healthy expectation! Letting your toddler be bossy and run the house is not cute! You are doing more harm them good. Most of all, love your children like there is no tomorrow! This means doing everything you can to ensure that they will be prepared if you are no longer around. Hug them, kiss them, and talk to them about their dreams and hopes. It is never to early to learn to set goals and dream.

I am not a perfect parent, that I can admit to. I make mistakes often but I am trying my best. Every day I strive to be a better mother. I do know that I have hopes for my beautiful children and will continue to do what it take to make sure that I prepare them for the big scary world.

Sorry for my rant but this is something that is important to me as a mother, I just don't understand why it is not as important to other parents?

I'm trying I really am!

I know I haven't blogged like I said I was going to but hey life gets in the way, right?! This week has been hectic! I am taking a math class that I swear was made for NASA, it takes me about 6 hours a night on the one class. It's exhausting! I am so glad that I am almost done with classes that I don't really care about he he. I can't wait until this next quarter is over and I am done with all these prereqs.
On a VERY happier note, we are so ready for our vacation that is in 12 days! Yes I am counting them down! We are off to Disneyland for 5 days! We reserved a beautiful Kids Suite at the Hyatt Regency, have lunch with the Princesses planned for Hannah, and all the other characters for Jer! We also made reservations to see the new World of Color show, it is all done with lights, fire and water. It looks amazing! We are really excited because my children have no idea when we are leaving. So the plan is to have their bags packed, convince them we are going to breakfast at the airport ( which we do sometimes) and then when we park, open the trunk and surprise them with their luggage! I will be getting all of this on video and will share it when we get back.

Even more exciting is that my sister,her boyfriend, his little girl and my cousin will be meeting us in California. I am so thrilled about this because as children my sister and I never went to Disneyland. She has gone many times as an adult but we have never gone together so this will be an extra special trip! I am very excited that she will get to share this experience with my children.

I will write more when I have a free minute, right now its off to get my tooth drilled. Yup, I have a cavity :(

Confession # 3-I love my husband more than I let on

Confession # 3

I have been really hard to live with this past year. Between my moodiness, anxiety and depression I can be down right a pain in the ass! When I am overwhelmed and exhausted I take it out on my husband. Sometimes I can be really hurtful about it. I often take out my irritation on him, and say things that I shouldn't. Yup, I am admitting it to all of you, I am not the perfect wife. I guess it comes down to the fact that I am green with envy that he has moved forward with his career and I am at home.
It is so difficult to watch everyone around you moving forward when I feel like I am just idle. I know that I am going to school and that eventually it will pay off but for now I am stuck at home. I get so upset about being at home and not working that sometimes I forget to remember and acknowledge how hard he works for our family. Sometimes he works 70 hours a week and then has to come home to a grumpy wife. Who wants to do that?
I know that I have not been the wife that I was for so many years before this. This is something that I am committed to changing from this point on. I am going to just suck it up and realize that things will get better and I need to be more supportive of my hard working dedicated husband. I need to be grateful for what I have, which is a man that puts his family before himself, a man who never goes out without me because he doesn't want to leave me alone at home.

I need to be a better wife, mother and friend. I need to remember that my life is not as horrible as I have been making it out to be. I need to be more respectful and appreciative of my husband, because truly he is a great person. I love him more than I ever thought I could love another person. I see girls that are married to men that go out and drink, party, and leave them at home, that is so far from the man that my husband is. His idea of a good time is taking me out to do something, he always wants to spend time with me and always wants to make me happy.

He still tells me after 10 years that he is not sure how he ended up with me (in the good way lol) He tells me all the time that he never thought he could love someone so much. So why have I forgotten all this? Why have I allowed my own insecurities to hurt the person that I love most?

I am making a promise to myself and my marriage to put more effort into being positive even when things are rough. I am going to remember that how I feel is not his fault. The only thing he does for me is try and make me happy and be a great father to his children. He is a man that I would never want to be without. He is my best friend and truly an amazing person. I need to remember how blessed I am. At this exact moment that I am typing this I just received a text from him say " I love you baby! I am excited about tonight and getting some time with you" Really....how lucky am I?
I am so lucky that after 10 years together we till are just as in love as we were in the beginning. So from here on out, I am going to make every effort to remember how hard he works for this family and that through everything he has never turned his back on me. He has been supportive of everything I have ever done or wanted to. I love him more than the day we were married. I have grown, he has grown but more importantly we have grown together. Every girl should be so lucky.

Confessions of a Guilty Momma and Wife-Confession # 2

First of all thank you to those who left comments, and also those who emailed me privately to let me know that I wasn't alone. It meant so much to me that you stepped outside your comfort zone and shared your feeling with me. I love you all!!

I have been basically wrestling with that I am going to write about today, there are just so many things on my mind. So I chose one that has been brought to my attention a couple many times over the last month.


Confession # 2
I am afraid that I will never forgive my biological mother and fear even more that I may become like her.

Hmmmm...how can I explain this better? I have so much anger and bitterness towards my bio mom that at times I feel like it is eating me alive. I am so angry at her for everything that she has done throughout her life and more importantly continues to do.

The silly thing is that this whole thing with my biological mother took place so long ago (I was 5) that you would think I would be over it. I think the same thing, its seems ridiculous that I am letting something that happened so long control my emotions 22 years later. Gosh I feel even more pathetic as I type that.

This is what I have figured out, the pain of having my bio mom abandon me really set in when I gave birth to my first baby. I remember rocking him in the chair crying my eyes out because I loved him so much and I couldn't understand how she could leave me, my sisters and my dad. I remember feeling and still feel that it would take someone having to kill me before I would ever leave my babies. Even in times of exhaustion and when I feel like I am going crazy I still know that there is nothing that could take me away from my them.

After the sadness of 20 years came the anger, and it has followed me for the last 7. I know what you are thinking, how sad that I have kept all this anger inside for so long, or why haven't you let it go. I guess that would be the easiest and most likely the healthiest thing for me to do but I have tried. I guess I am not ready, my sister said she has forgiven her and to be honest I envy her. I would love to be able to forgive her and let it go. Maybe its different because I am the only daughter that has children so maybe it has affected me in a different, possibly more traumatic way. I made the mistake of letting her into my life, only to be hurt more than I ever imagined.

There were times that I needed her the most and she turned her back on me all over again. Leaving me to feel like the little 5 year old girl all over again. That is why years ago, I turned the relationship off and it will never be turned on again.
I know that there will come a time that my bio mom is ill, or worse and when I think about it, it makes me sad that her life has caused so much hurt. If she was ill would it change a thing? For me, probably not. There will never be a relationship between her and I, and more important to me, my children and her. I will protect my children's little hearts from any hurt and sadly that includes her, their biological grandmother.

I know that God is trying to teach me something by giving me her as a mother I just haven't quite figured it out yet.
Those times that I talked about in yesterdays post, about wanting to run away and escape; well those are the same feelings that scare me. I know that is how she felt before she left. Let me make this perfectly clear I will NEVER leave my children! But just thinking those thoughts of wanting to escape make me wonder if that is a little part of her inside me. I think that is what bothers me the most, I want nothing of her inside me. My worst fear is being anything like her as a mother.
So there is this little piece of anger that wont go away, and another peiece of fear that I will become like her.

My confession today is something that I have never shared with anyone and to be honest I am really nervous about hitting that publish post. Everything in me wants to hit delete and keep my feelings inside, but maybe just maybe this is help me. Maybe putting it out there will help me heal.

Thank you for listening

Confessions of a guilty momma and wife

I have to first thank my best friend Lindsi for inspiring this blog. Her blog last week reminded me that it is okay to not be perfect all the time and to admit when I am having a horrible day, without fear of others looking down on me. So here goes....please don't judge me. This week I am going to make a confession ever day about being a mother or wife that I would normally keep to myself out of fear of judgement. I am going to make a goal to share how I am really feeling without holding back.

This year has been one of the most difficult years I have ever had. There are times when I want to go out and throw and few of the dishes on the ground. I am overwhelmed and under appreciated. Since I am a stay at home mom some people automatically think that you have NO job. Grrrr.....they have no idea how much more difficult it is to stay home with them, than to drop your children off each morning and head to work. I have done both and for me staying at home is much more challenging. Now before all the working moms out there start flipping out, I am not saying that you do not work hard or that your life is easy I am simply voicing my opinions from my experience with working outside the home.


My Confession #1
Recently I have started getting very serious about finding a job outside the home. I have realized that I can no longer be a stay at home mom. I have no identity anymore besides being "Ben's Wife and Hannah and Jerimiahs mom" I am no longer Stephenie and I feel like if I don't get my identity back I never will. I am not saying that I don't want to be the wife or mother but I need more than that.
I am wornout exhausted, cranky, emotional, and overworked. There have been times when people have suggested that I take some time off school, and even though I know that they are trying to help that would only take more away from what I am trying to do. So for now the job search continues and I pray that I find something before I lose what's left of my mind ;)I know that people will be thinking "Why do you want to be away from your children?" And I get that, I would probably say the same thing before I felt this way. However, I also think that everyone is different in their aspirations, there are many moms that want nothing more than to be a stay at home mom and then there are us few moms that hold in the fact that we are dying to get out and away. There is nothing greater that God has blessed me with than my children but I think that me being a stay at home mom is no longer for me and more importantlythem. I know that they would be happier all around if I was happier, and that means me working outside of the home. So there you have it, my confession for the day. Try not to judge me too much.